I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
