do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
