then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
