My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Barsexuality is the new black.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
