piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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