The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
