So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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