i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
