I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
