I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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