im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
