I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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