I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
