I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
