I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
