feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I have tasted many bathrooms
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize