dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
