Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Randomize
