i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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