Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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