I heard we made out
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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