The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
