He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Randomize
