I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I would ride that face into the sunset
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