the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Randomize
