i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
where does the pee come out of this thing
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
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