He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
