I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize