I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Randomize
