Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
My liver is preforming stress tests.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
