He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
