I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
