They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
