what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
