Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
