I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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