Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
