Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
