I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Randomize
