Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
