Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
