I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Randomize
