My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
