im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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