You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
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