if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
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