The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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