She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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