I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
