I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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