I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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