If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
