whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
