Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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