everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
