i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
